How much do you bet that wherever you are at this point in your life, regarding intimate relationships, there is room for improvement? More often than not, when something feels wrong we tend to blame “the other one”. There might be some relevance to that; the state of relationship with your significant other or lack thereof has partly to do with you and partly to do with others. In truth, when we are experiencing pain in this area of our lives we are quick to seek a place to lay the blame. Moreover, being in pain challenges our capacity to stay focused on ourselves. Yet, these types of situations are rich in opportunities for personal growth.
Clearly, in the aftermath of a breakup we know that something went wronking the relationship. Understanding where the problems are in the midst of the relationship may not be that obvious, especially if one or both are holding back information. We can all agree to the fact that knowing oneself is a challenge. As individuals we have our own contradictions and idiosyncrasies. It is work to for two persons to achieve peace and create and alliance that will benefit one another. The operating word in the previous sentence is “work”. However one goes about it, without effort and attention, any relationship is doomed to fail.
Assuming that “the problem” is the other is the first mistake. Even if the other has their share of responsibility in the struggles you encounter, there are most certainly a great number of places within you and about what you do that you can revisit. First of all, are we the kind of person to fit a relationship with our ideal partner? Maybe some honest introspection will highlight for us a number of ways we can improve ourselves. Then, there are communication challenges. For many of us it is difficult to ask for something, so having your requests greeted by a series of defensive reactions will most likely bring you to shut down, dissuade you from expressing yourself, or you might very well explode. Some tend to believe that their partner should cater to their every needs and even read their mind. It does not matter how many years a couple has spent living together, placing the responsibility of guessing what is needed or wanted on the other one is the best way to set oneself up for major disappointments and stressing unnecessarily the relationship. Obviously, the list of ways we can compromise the quality of the rapport with our partner would be much longer. These are only some of the many forms our shortcomings in communicating with our partners as well as applying our own filters to situations will damage our relationships.
Being in a long-term committed relationship is a high stake game with the best dividends. Looking around it seems that only few people succeed in remaining in this type of partnership and find fulfillment. This endeavor is not for the faint of hearts. Among the challenges a couple has to face there is paying attention to the balance and fulfillment of two different individuals, most likely educate children together, figure out the financial pieces of the puzzle, create grounds for trust to develop and remain, face all the catastrophes that occur in a lifetime, and so much more. Since most people are aware of the difficulty to develop such a relationship, many question whether it is worth it or not.
Several years ago, I was asking myself that exact question and I came across the book Getting the Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix who created Imago Relationship Therapy. My main take away from this reading was the idea that as we enter a relationship we become involved in an unconscious power struggle. To get to the other side of this unconscious power struggle, it is required of both individuals involved to participate in the work of clarifying the issues, on a personal level and relational level, to forge tools to solve these issues. As a result from this work the couple shifts to what Dr. Hendrix calls the conscious marriage. In his view, such a relationship offers an opportunity to identify and overcome struggles that pre-dated the relationship. Furthermore, each individual gets to heal on a personal level as a result of working out what shows up in the relationship. Not to say that the two parties involved become each other’s therapist but instead they realize what shortcomings are holding them back, and they find an opportunity to create with their partner a context to push their limits to grow on a personal level, which benefits the relationship at the same time or, in some cases, help dissolve the relationship with as little damage as possible. The progress achieved in the context of the relationship work ripples in all the other areas of one’s life. Chances are if a certain weakness emerges at home for instance, we are likely to see the same weakness affecting our life at work. The work applied in the relationship helps us to develop our awareness of how we relate to the world. But again, the operating word is work!
With a divorce rate peaking at 50% in America in the 80s, even if this rate has been steadily decreasing since then, it is no wonder that most people have little faith in marriage. But which comes first, the egg or the chicken? People are afraid to commit because of the statistics or the statistics are the result of people’s fear to commit? It not my ambition at this moment to attempt to pinpoint the reasons that affected marriage statistics in the 20th century, although it is an important topic, but the point being that our relationship to commitment is an undeniable component to the fracture of long-term partnerships. Entering a relationship with the idea that if something better comes about or that you need to take off at the first sign of struggle annihilates any chance to succeed forming a long-term partnership. As we established, relationships take work. Growth, whether it is on an individual level or as a couple, can only be achieved with the acceptance of a certain amount of hardship. The question is where to draw the line and defining what is an acceptable amount of effort and where it only makes sense to call it quits. Either way, commitment is indispensable to provide a solid platform for both individuals to be capable to figure out the way forward, which at times requires accompanying each other in deep and dark places, even in sometimes. Life has no shortage of tragedy to offer. Personalities can also clash until they find a way to jive together. Let’s not forget that we all bring to the table a plethora of beliefs and filters that we are often times extremely reluctant to challenge. There again, if we fail to create a structure that we place above all else, how can we evolve enough to overcome that which is constraining us?
Navigating the troubled waters of life requires courage and skills in communication. Communicating our needs, thoughts, wishes, and differences of views requires room to be fully processed. Communicating is not only formulating our thoughts properly it is also listening attentively. Our ability to listen is often impaired by a lack of focus. All day, everyday we are bombarded by millions of pieces of information and our attention is constantly pulled in different directions. It is hard to maintain the same level of focus throughout the day and when we are with our significant other we all tend to slack back in our efforts to listen attentively, which causes many miscommunications and may leave one another feeling left out and hurt. Additionally, it is impossible to see eye-to-eye on all subjects at all times and reconciling differences can be a most arduous exercise. Maintaining enough harmony to thoroughly listen to your partner when your emotions are running high requires a lot of dedication to the relationship as well as being masterful in keeping yourself in check. Let’s face it, our partner has the capacity, like no other, to get our blood boiling but the chances of coming to resolution of a problem are inexistent if the emotions are running the show and if the fight turns into a “demolishing the other” type of mission. If both parties are dedicated to the success of their relationship they will train each other over time to become better listeners among other things.
Notice that the word “love” has not been used once. Too often, love is described as a state when really it is a series of actions. Saying it to your loved one is a good start. We all need to hear it. Actions truly give meaning to the word. Staying calm when everything inside you screams to react and avoiding escalating a volatile situation is love. Sticking around through hard times is love. Listening attentively whether you are tired or you think you already heard it all a million times is love. Staying focused on solving problems instead of trying to take over and be right at all cost is love. Being as clear as possible with yourself and your partner is love. Seeing all that the other contributes to the relationship and acknowledging it is love. Easier said than done. Nonetheless, taking on these challenges and more, wholeheartedly, and succeeding, yields one of the most valuable prizes: to have a meaningful and loving relationship. Especially if you believe that we are better off going through life accompanied for one. But also, you are putting yourself in a position to work through your toughest and deepest personal struggles to come on the other side a better version of yourself.
